Wednesday, February 4, 2009

Take backs...

Sometimes, I give, or rather, throw too much of me out there. Give so much that I have nothing left, and nothing to save for when I need the  reservoir for myself.  Its not something that anyone asks for, it just is something I do. It might very well be a mistake- since it leaves me rather empty when all is said and done.  Do not like this at all,  but cannot find my way out of it....

I think, perhaps, that I am in a situation that may be like that now- and I am not sure what to do about it.  If I look, it's me that is pushing forward, and perhaps too much. I can do this, and actually am trying not to (hence, here...) bombard.

I am not sure why I do this, and could say why and make up reasons, but at the end of the day, the clues are there, and I am not listening.  But for some reason, I can't seem to hear over my own- something. But I have said it so many times that it's getting ridiculous and I must not continue...yet I do. It is true- I understand time, and effort- I am lucky in my "work"right now is makes me pretty available and yet, this is also not such a good thing- because I am left wanting and waiting and that makes one nuts. This is one time that doing the horses makes things so much easier for me...both the physical and emotional side is so busy that I was thinking made it easier. :-)

I am owed nothing. I am totally okay on my own, and am strong- I do not need to be protected from potential emotion. Yes, I will tell you what I am feeling, because that is what and who I am, but you owe me nothing, except, perhaps honestly. I will always be who I am- but I don't need to express it, if that makes sense?  

When I even begin to write this, it seems so silly- and if you were to actually look at it for what it is, it IS silly. How can I be in love, in attachment, with someone I can't even touch? (Despite what I feel, the reality is....) I want to be attached- but, why?

Reality is I can get played like the the most amazing instrument of all- I will bend, and sway and move in all sorts of ways. I have a basic trust (which is amazing after all I know of the world) that is total when I am like this. Reality is- I am not like this often at all. I am, strangely enough, when I am with patients- about as bare as I can get, and don't really have any reserves up, because that seems very right to me. And I am okay when I leave. yes, I write about it, because it makes it easier for me...but overall, I am totally okay when I leave.  I take a part of them with me, and hopefully leave a part of me with them...a good part.

I guess that is my thought here. I want to be able to- well, I guess this thought is not formed, as I don't have anything further to put here....  

So this is somewhat difficult to write....and so I won't

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