Wednesday, January 28, 2009

I understand crazy

Thankfully, I am not. But, I understand- it's a close thing- one where you almost decide that you just will allow it- allow the slipping into loss of control.  Like some people who die, it's just the easier path, the easier way to go. 

I get it. 

I don't understand other things- like meanness or being critical. I understand snippy and bitchy. I don't understand constant lying. I understand not wanting to hurt someone. I understand loving so much that your heart almost breaks.

I do not understand why, though. I just understand it. I cannot explain it. But oh well. Is it mine to explain?

Today, a kid jumped off the bridge at Maple. How did they get to that state? I think that is why adolescent depression is so serious. It's hard enough to believe that tomorrow is coming, but when you are that young, the feeling of today being so miserable that there feels to be no tomorrow is just overpowering.  I hope their parents love them, and took care of them, and treasures them. I hope that what's next is okay for them.  They were alive at press time this AM (28th) and I know I will be looking for updates. The benefit of my Features Class. I am so sad for this.

Yesterday I had an instructor begin to cry in class- she just broke down. I had felt she was sick since the beginning of the semester, and indeed she is. Surgery tomorrow. CA. Miserable. I hope that it turns out okay for her. I am praying for her, as I really think that helps. She is constantly on my mind, and I hope she knows that. She was horrified... but she is a passionate person, and that just happens sometimes....

yesterday was so hard....I can hardly begin to explain it. I am stunned at the emotions that rushed thru me, and it did indeed bring up that horrible feeling of childhood and loss- Parents that left without further who could not stay with anything for more the 7 years- be it a dog or person. Thats why we have Cocoa- he was 7 and they were going to give him away. I am grateful to Art for understanding why I had to take him It was some sort of karmic justice. I projected onto him what I felt. I love my dad now, but he was the worst father- the first person to offer me drugs. I can hardly imagine. Of course, he doesn't remember this- why would he? Forget what's bad. Forward NO matter what. I don't want to talk to him about then (I am sure I was horrid as well, but  I was a kid.)  

The love of a parent should be unconditional. My belief.  This is not his. Oh well. Our relationship now is one I love and treasure. I do NOT want to bring up anything with him now. He is too smart and would change what I know to be true. 

Then mom- ah, she would leave me with the kids for weekends at a time- first when I was 11- she went to mexico with a lover. Then, I just accepted it. Who knew different?  I would rock in fear, terrified of what was being asked of me. Because i was born knowing how important things are, and knew from the instant I was born that I was the one that had to take care of things. To this day, it makes me sick to my stomach. I know it shouldn't. But it does. 

I guess I look back to ensure my forward is as careful as possible. 

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