Monday, January 26, 2009

I think that I need to be...

more aware of what and who I am at the core. I need to remember that, and live within that which I know to be true about me. What is that saying? Write what you want on your tombstone, then live that way. Mine, I would hope would say, is that I am a kind, honest person who gave everything she could.

This is very hard in many ways, as I am sitting on a path, and I need to focus, concentrate and be aware every step of the way. Obviously, focusing is hard for me right now. But I must do it. Must.

Perhaps the hardest thing of all is realizing that sometimes, even when everything seems hard or harder, you must put your big girl panties on and deal with things. Face on. Because at the end of the day, it's only your face in the mirror that provides any real answers. At the end overall, can I look at myself and see someone that I am/was glad to be?

I have been in many situations where things might have gone awry. I have always been able to deal with things in a way that I can say was, in the end, the right thing to do. I am hoping that I can continue to do this- every step of the rest of my life.

I also cannot live in fear- no matter what the fear is, as it's too damn painful. I think that some of this stems from what I "expect" and perhaps someplace there is this Catholic Nun shaking a ruler over my head, providing me with some insane amount of guilt.

So before, I said I hated muddy waters. Add that I hate guilt. It's useful, however. It controls...and that is what I seem to need, some modicum of control. I have almost none right now- self control seems to have flown right out the proverbial window.

So, sad that I am not who I want to be, sad that I am fighting something within me. Sad that I even need to do it. Boy, is desire a powerful thing. Dangerous thing. Bigger then me, little old me. Wow

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