Nope. Not so. It's actually good- I can care, and deeply care, about getting the patient better enough to get them to the next step of their recovery and that is good. I love the intensity, the need to bring all aspects of my (limited) training to the forepart of my brain, balancing the medicine, surgical aspects in the resus bay. I of course am watching and learning right now. But, my head is swimming with thoughts.
So, the thought of the residency is back. Strongly. I think it might be great. I think I might like it. And since nothing else has really grabbed me yet during rotations, maybe this is it. Stay tuned.
I also admit feeling like I have not learned nearly enough thus far in my rotations. Not nearly enough. I also admit that I wanted to be at UMMC for many of my rotations. Thus far, I have gotten none of them. Zero. I miss the U, miss the environment that that place provides. There were endless opportunities to learn there- endless. I miss that a lot. I also miss the caring that the U seems to have at the center. I am not seeing that out in the "real" world, and I find that sad.
So help me GOD....If I see/hear of another person slamming a NG tube down someone, without lube, and hurricane spray--forgetting lido-jelly even for a moment as a possible assist-and then wonder why the patient was so miserable and refusing another NG tube, I wish the NG curse on them some day. Because when I asked, I was told "it takes too much time". Oh boy...If I were not a student, and somehow could mention what I really thought, they'd get an earful. Say whatever you want, it's the wrong thing to do.
I have seen several surgeries but none of the usual suspects...no appy, lapchole, bowel obs for me! Nope, was in on a massive lac to the back of the neck where the C-spine was...right... there...and the clot that had formed was as big as a small baby. I kid you not. I have seen orbit repair with screws, plates, mesh. I have seen more I and D's- seemingly the bread and butter of surgery-forget hernias! I have seen an exploration of an orbit from a possible self-inflicted GSW...I'll tell that story at another date.
I have learned a lot I admit. Most of what I have learned is this:
- Who you work with is as important as what you're doing
- Driving over an hour to work is plain and simple NOT for me
- I need to be someplace where patient centered care is at the fore-front at all times
- I need to be someplace where you're striving to always be better, so the patients get better
- I need to always be able to learn, to push past what I get and enter into areas that I feel lost and need the compass of those wiser than me to survive and thrive
- Saying I don't know is okay as long as you make sure you will know soon