So it happened and now???

I have entered into the real world of being a PA- I have been accepted to WSU-and it's amazing. Of course, scared, nervous- am I up to it? I find myself spending hours scouring the iTunes store- looking for apps that can help- equipment for class and beyond? I know I want to get the most sensible- the best- so I have every advantage. What is this?

I have entered into a world that I have been in awe of- the knowledge that all is not as it seems sometimes. I know that I will also have to depend on my inner knowledge- that gut feeling that I know I have, and that is indeed what has lead me along this path. Yes, can I admit it? No, not likely. But there are those that have it, ones that know, and those are the ones that I admire.

Keeping the real nature of what I will be doing- I think it's a gift to help others in a way that they could not do. The advantage of training, I suppose. To be able to do it, not just as an emotional support, but as a real support, with tools and knowledge to back everything up? That is a real gift.

Here is what I hate

I hate feeling stupid- I hate allowing others to make me feel stupid. I hate the feeling of losing my control over my emotions. I hate this sort of despair that comes at this point in the semester. I hate being sad.

Taco is sold- even reading the earlier post made me cry. It's such a loss for me. But oh well- I know everything that we went thru. It was a lot. But, here i am...really none the better. Isn't that supposed to be the end result of things? But no, I am none the better.

Doc is with Kelly. Very exciting. He is doing great. And I think I may try and keep him- but question that. Wrainthur is in Tryon, recovering from surgery on his hock- caused by another horse kicking him.

I have an interview in Nov and Dec. I am so sad that this has happened yet. I have a friend that has an offer and she is thinking about not taking it! What the hell is she thinking????????? My God- just to get an interview is great- and then an offer? And then not to take it??

Of course I worry that I won't get in. But over all, I guess it's all okay-

Now to balance my accounts (cuz being sad seems like such a good idea....)

So there are parts of me that scream petty- sad, and miserable parts. I am so torn on quite a few things- including the Taco issue. Stacy is doing quite well with him, winning a lot, and getting amazing scores…. And I am not as happy as I should be about it. I love that horse-I should be over joyed, but instead I am filled with anxiety and depression.

I made him who he is. I found him, put up with his issues (bucking, bolting and overall terror of the world) nursed him thru- cyst in his sesimoid, knee infection, Stifle infection, bone infection re: splint, leg injury, uveitis. I spent hundred of hours and thousands of dollars on making better. Finally after all this, and spending hours on the ground, we made it. We advanced thru training, onto prelim. Once there, we attacked getting the best we could be, and Beth made that happen. Our second year out, he was just so impressive-quality rides every step of the way. This horse NEVER EVER HAD A XC STOP! He just trusted me so much, and was so good. I was the issue, never ever him if we faltered that year. BUT- it if were not for me, I know he would not have gone anywhere. I let him be himself, and therefore created his trust in people so that he was able to be the star that he is. We were moving on to I, and I really thought A was in our future.

Then, as the saying goes, life happened. The first (and most avoidable) was the injury he sustained with Amy. This created an incredible cascade of events-and cost well over 25K. I am sick over that. Sick still, sick then, sick forever. IF this had not happened, the rest would not be an issue. It stopped my riding. I had Doc and Skeeter, but they were never the same as Taco. But how to explain that? How to let anyone know? With Taco, I could do anything, and he could do anything, because he was my star- I had such respect for him. I did not want to change who or what he was ever- I worked inside of it, and allowed the wonder of Taco to come out. I respected him, treasured him, allowed him. And by doing that, I created a happy animal – one who went out with confidence and assurance knowing that he was the best there was. Because Taco is the best there is.

Back to life. Ah, the economic crisis- this tossed all that we know into the free fall, it became clear that my dream was ending with a bang. I was not totally able to see that things were totally ending, but clearly, with hindsight, things were. I needed to change- needed to go back to work, needed to stop doing the horses as I had been doing them. Okay- fine. Work? Got a job. Needed a career? Back to school,- career on track. Sell horses? Sold Skeeter And since I was not going to be able to continue to ride prelim, I decided to lease Taco. Problem is this- not so easy for me after all.

He has evolved into being an amazing horse- a schoolmaster, really- for Stacy. She loves him. He loves her. He has done so well- and I am very proud of both of them. But damn it, this is my horse- my baby, my creation. Together, we are what is good about eventing. Yet, he has gone onto be good even with out me. Okay, not at prelim, but at Nov- and probably Training. But, he would NEVER have done that if it weren’t for my trusting a horse that was pretty untrustable. I believed in Taco. And guess what-that is why he can do what he can do today. I don’t think anyone that knew Taco “then” would believe that it’s the same Taco now.

But that does not matter anymore. I am not a professional, and the losing of Taco is just…horrible. I want him back- but I can’t take him back from Stacy- she is having the ride of a lifetime on him. I do want someone to say…Hey Annika, he is what he is because of you—but we all know that won’t happen. Because, well, it’s just like that. I really cannot imagine taking credit for doing well on a horse that someone else has trained and created. (think Dolly*I won my first event on her but she was “borrowed”* ). But for them it’s what they have done together. For them, it’s good. For me, not so good. For me, actually, depressing. I would never want to go Nov again. So why do I care? And really, since I had ridden SO much the past 2 years (like not at all…) what makes me think I could get back to that level again?? But I know if Taco was here, I could be doing what we’d like. But I think I have removed that from possible. Because I know what Stacy is feeling. It’s where I was when the accident with Amy happened. And to take that away??? I know- it a word it’s simply

Devastating.

So, perhaps my P-nut butter lid needs adjusting. Perhaps. But, I am resisting that strongly. I never wanted these changes. I never would have allowed these changes. It is against everything I stand for. Plan practice, prepare- it’s what I do.

Taco was my first measurable success ever. I know that seems silly. But I have always placed my kids first and foremost. Then, Art. So, my measure of success has really been in others. I never finished college, as Jaz came along, and then Nick when I was trying again. I always had okay jobs, but not careers. No need, really. But when Art and I got married, none of that other stuff mattered- I was doing my dream. I got to RIDE! With Taco, I got us there- I did the sweat, the hard work and there we ended up- at a spot higher than anyone could have ever imagined on a 1000 horse that was banned from the track. It never would have happened without Art, and I know that, but as far as the sweat and tears? That was me. Totally me. I knew how to get us there- when to push, when to stop. And so…. Taco and I were an US. We were a team. I did not get a ribbon, HE got a ribbon. And really, Taco won, I did not. Taco was …Taco. The amazing, incredible Taco.

I think all of this is hard for people to understand-I certainly get blank stares or glances of pity when I try and talk about it. A one trick pony sort of situation. If I were better, I could recreate a Taco, couldn’t I? Maybe not. Maybe, but it’s not Taco.

There will never be another Taco. I am tempted to try with Tahoe- he has something special, but the thought of going thru ALL that again is- tough.

Yes, I am on a different path. But this is not a choice that I made, it was made for me. I did not make this happen. But I have to adapt, even as I don’t want to, I must. And I find that really really hard to deal with.

My life was defined by Taco- my dad first came to see me ride when it was Taco, I was respected as a rider once I had Taco, I became someone to trust with Taco, because there as no question that I care for and would do anything I could for him which is the sign of honor for an equestrian, isn’t it?

I have no idea what to do, and that is why I am asking you….

So, today is really hard. I am leaving Tryon, heading back to work. Leaving the baby, leaving Jasmin, leaving my dear DEAR friends. I am saddddddd. But, it'll be okay,

I have a lot on my mind. CASPA sent in which is good. BUt I need to cut down on everything. I have too much. Need to sell books, and stuff. I want nothing around me- esp as I have so much to do in the next several years. Well, just IM'd with Marjo and that was very nice.

Off to bath and bed. Need both in equal measure!

My desire to be a PA was born over 15 years ago. I first learned about PA’s when my son was born. While his birth was uneventful, the following four years were anything but. I worked in the health care field, but now, I was seeing the other side of medicine. During my hasty education in taking care of my sick child, with all the confusing equipment and long, frightning hours standing next to his crib, I realized that I needed to know more. While involved in patient care as a PCA was nice, I had always wanted to be more involved and part of the team that brought solutions to medical problems. In my searching, I found this profession, and like the piece of a puzzle that has been missing, it fit.

I embarked on learning everything I could about being a PA. I shadowed and read and every chance I got to speak to a PA, I grabbed. I started work on my prerequisites. Watching PA’s on our unit interact with patients and physicians as the bridge brought further understanding of the relationship between the PA and MD. I admired the competence and compassion that PA’s exhibited and appreciated the time they spent with patients. The more I learned about being a PA, the more committed I was to entering the field.

However, life happened. I found myself the single parent of two children. Leaving my children and devoting the amount of time that I knew PA school entailed would not be fair to them, the program, or myself.

So, 15 years later, older, but certainly wiser, I am back on my path. It’s as exciting now as it was then. Except this time, it’s actually going to happen. I can honestly say having the full support of my family and friends makes the journey even more poignant.

My recent shadowing experiences have solidified my commitment. I have enjoyed rounding, listening to discussions between the team. I am ever grateful to the PA’s that swept me under their wings so I could witness everything they do in their day. The medical teams accepted my presence without question and invited me to attend lectures and case reviews. Shadowing allowed me to see inside the life of a PA, and what it was like to work as a valuable part of the medical team.

While I have seen PA’s in a hospital setting, I admit being excited about the general care possibilities. Being a PA will allow me to reach out to those not as fortunate; I will finally have the skills to make a difference. I fully intend to explore those options once in, and when I graduate from, PA school. I appreciate that reaching out is part of the PA mission. At this point in my life, becoming a PA feels more like a lifestyle choice rather then a career. This feels very right.

Life always seems to take its correct path. While missing my chance years ago, I can now grant my full attention to PA school and my ensuing career. Much like parenting, it’s important to put my total being into whatever I do. Knowing I can fully commit to being a PA confirms that now is, indeed, the right time.

CASPA in!

Its been a long time, baby! I have been pretty busy, and while that's good in some ways, it does create a barrier to doing things like this- which I admit are helpful when looking back.

A few posts back I said that I posted just so I could say that things ended up being okay. And, they are. I am officially done. I have my BS- quite anti-climatic, but important for my next step...admission into PA school. Wayne is for sure my first choice. Then, Mercy. Then, Emery, Maine and...well, I don't know. I want to get into Wayne. Period. Can you imagine my saddness if I don't? Sheesh.

I aced pathoPhys this summer. But, again, feels like an impostor, as I am not sure I actually KNOW it. My GPA thanks me for those 16 quality points. I guess all in all my GPA is good enough. My Math GRE is not; I know this. Verbal? A-OK. Shadowing? Good to go. All is fitting into place. Now, the wait happens, and I stress that I am not good enough. (drop it, huh?)

In Tryon right now, seeing Jas and wee Annika. She is just a lovely baby- so very pretty and special. I love her, and look forward to spending a lot of time with her once i am thru all of this Cr*p of school. I miss having time. I would really love having some good time!

So, hopefully, I can get back to blogging a bit. It IS helpful to step back later and look how far I have come. I am going to post my PS here, too. Just cuz. :)

Certainly the question of morality comes up most often when considering life and how it ends. Our decisions impact not only ourselves, but those that we love around us. To consider the meaning of life the same for all people is unfair. Each of us has a different set of criteria we determine to be important for what is referred to as “quality of life”. As much as we would like to believe that life is fair, it is proven time and time again that fairness is not what matters, nor does is appear to exist. There are those that get sick that are healthy, active people, and those that survive despite bad life style habits. Nothing fair about it. The one thing that we can control, however, is how we die.

As they say, nothing is as sure as death and taxes. We are all going to die. Some of may die sooner then we might like due to unfortunate circumstances. In this case, our morality is questioned in perhaps no greater way. It is my great belief that, since we have the resources and skills to assist us, having as much control of ones ending that is possible is the morally correct thing to do. For some this distinction may be too difficult to deal with- for them, they may need help understanding, and may not wish to participate in the discussion and indeed prefer a different sort of route. In accordance with the same sort of belief system, allowing them this freedom to make that choice is important. By allowing someone to participate in decisions made about their life, we grant them dignity, and support the value of life and principal of goodness for our moral base.

The concept of allowing someone to die is hard for some to accept. We do have all of these amazing resources to keep someone alive. But is this the right thing to do? I can argue that it is not always in the patients best interest to delay the natural process. In many cases, the person’s quality of life is so diminished that what we would consider the person is gone, and what remains is a shell. It is selfish to hold onto this as the remaining person-unwilling for whatever reason to let the person “go.” Sometimes it’s the doctors that don’t want to admit that there is nothing left to help the person. Sometimes it’s the family that has issues that prevent them from making that hard decision. Take the person is in that middle state of persistent vegetative state, where the patient looks alive- their eyes are open, they are breathing but cannot interact with their environment. These people are kept alive with a variety of measures, any of which, if stopped, would lead to the person dying a natural death.

In our book, (pg 215) Thiroux points out that dialysis has saved the life of many people. But even for some, this, too, may violate their sense of a quality life. While for some, being connected to a machine would be okay, as their values differ from someone else’s values of life, some people may not mesh well with the dependence on a machine for survival. While this is tough, it’s a fair question- does this person have the right to say no to dialysis? If they do, it would lead fairly quickly to their condition being such that death would indeed be knocking on their door. For this situation, it’s a cross between mercy death and allowing someone to die. For this person, I also believe that it’s their decision. They must have the right to decide how they wish to end their life. The concept of mercy death is more complicated. By taking a direct action in ending another person’s life, by necessity another person is involved. There are certainly moral issues with this. A medical doctor takes an oath that states “do no harm” as a primary responsibility. Causing death could certainly be considered doing harm. Or is it? If the patient requests death, and indeed demands it, I again believe it’s a patients right to ask this of their health care provider. What I am questioning here is the morality of the person helping. It would take two of similar moral beliefs to make this happen for a person. Indeed, it would unethical for someone to request assistance in their passing of someone that was morally opposed to causing one’s death.

It is my greatest hope that one day things such as mercy killing would be considered mercy death and perhaps morph even further to calling it allowing someone to die. The important question of what someone considers a meaningful life would have been asked and documented long before someone entered such a state. In this, for example, I say that I don’t want to be hooked up to a ventilator for more then a couple weeks, and if my condition looks to be one that would rely on others to take care of me forever, I would rather die. In this case, I have asked, but asked before I was unable answer. So, in this case, if someone were to allow me to die, or perhaps overdose me with some lovely sedative, my passing would be peaceful. I find it ironic that we treat our animals better then we treat humans at the end of life. While it is difficult to consider, it is all important to discuss, while it may be sad, it may save many a great deal of sadness.