I could say that this day plays very strongly into why I am here today- okay, what I mean is 9/11 changed many things, and the effects of that day have been felt for many for many years, and in many ways.

The day was catastrophic to be sure, and no one can dispute this. but since I am a essentially a selfish beast, I shall concentrate on ME. ME. ME,

Well, actually, I won't, because it's readily apparent that I am more then lucky, and my life has changed in less ways then many lives have changed. 

Like the Kevin Bacon game, we all know someone who was killed or lost someone in 9/11. Doesn't that much to do that, especially since we are a one-upp manship kind of world. So, sure, I know a few that were there. But my fascination was short lived as was manys. It was amazing that something so horrific could happen in our world- we are the best aren't we? NOTHING should have ever happened like this in the Good Old U S of A...we're better then that.

The sheer thought of those building falling gave rise to every childhood fear ever felt by any imaginative child.  It was impossible. I admit here that I am ruled by fear. I truly think I live in fear all the time, so while not comfortable for me, it's where I sit. Bring it back as far as you want, it's a constant state for me.

Which brings me to today. I am fearful. Fearful for my kids, my husband, my family. I am fearful that I will lose them. This is born, I think, in my attending school again, as an older adult- something I have NEVER admitted to myself or others. I have always been young, and since I am not a mirror-looker, don't notice the wrinkles nor fat that has crept up on me over the years. Riding the horses actively helped that for sure- kept me young and in shape. However, I am now more sedentary (altho please note, I am doing this right now instead of A and P, as the A and P is quite overwhelming right now, and I can hardly begin to think about Ions, and bonding, and THAT scares me, because for Christs sake, I should be able to concentrate!) because I should be sitting and studying- not something that I do with any sort of ease at all. Nothing except true just DOING it does it- and that is hard for me.

I badly need something to hold me to my course, to take my wandering mind and make it stay on course. I think it's somewhat like an errant sail, where the line is waving in the wind, and the sails are flapping. I probably COULD do it, but certainly can't right now. Now, this is true, too.  I just need to actually tie the sail down, and lo and behold, might be able to do it. I will NOT fail, and NOT give up. But, I need to actually get to it.

So, bye for now!